


Hell Bats are Not Just for the Night of the Conjunction of Capricorn With Saturn

by thisbluespirit



Category: Dracula (Movies - Hammer), The Kiss of the Vampire (1963)
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Hammer Horror Universe, Hell bats, Post-Canon, Timeline What Timeline, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/pseuds/thisbluespirit
Summary: Professor Zimmer begins to fear that the acquisition of an army of Bats out of Hell is for life, not just the long-awaited night of the full moon.
Relationships: Gerald Harcourt/Marianne Harcourt
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Hell Bats are Not Just for the Night of the Conjunction of Capricorn With Saturn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [calliopes_pen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliopes_pen/gifts).



> This is a rather silly take on the end of _Kiss of the Vampire_ and one aspect of _Scars of Dracula_ , but I hope you enjoy it ! (I thought this canon deserved some fic.)
> 
> ETA (1st Jan 2021): Edited to add bonus segments on reveals.

_Bill from the Grand Hotel (for two months' accommodation + 6 bottles of schnapps + 2 bottles of brandy + 4 bottles of our best house wine + charges for summoning the priest to perform rituals three times in 1 month.)_

Bat guano is NOT acceptable payment, even if it is a good fertilizer. What use is that when farmers will no longer come to our poor village and we cannot sell it to them? How can we continue a business with no guests, no rich patron, and very little left in the cellars? You will ruin us! Please pay in good Marks on receipt of this FINAL NOTICE or leave the premises. Anna and I also do not accept: holy water, garlic, services in kind etc. (esp. any staking) etc.

*

_Extract of a letter from Gerald Harcourt to Professor Zimmer:_

… but enough of our domestic affairs and on to your continued infestation. I’m sorry to hear the little pests are still haunting you. I suppose you must have tried the priest? Do your old books really not have any helpful banishing rituals? Seems a bit of an oversight by those medieval fellows to me.

As to Marianne and I, I can’t see what we could do with the creatures. I don’t think they would feel at home here in Wimbledon even if we had the room. I did remind Marianne that we had been thinking of getting a pet – it might be good for Baby – and that maybe we could take a little one, but she said she was concerned enough about what we would do with a puppy, let alone one of your hell-beasts. I’m afraid she’s adamant on the subject. I must say I agree – it would be hard to explain to the neighbours.

In all seriousness, I am very sorry there is nothing we can do to help. I am sure you will think of something, though. I hope the wretched creatures fly off of their own accord and leave you alone to go and live in a cave in the mountains. In the meantime, I did at least make some enquiries in town so am forwarding the address of an eminent doctor (of something or other) who is apparently an expert in your kind of problem. He’s bound to have more helpful suggestions than any I could come up with. 

Yours, with undying gratitude,

Gerald & Marianne

Post-script: I’m pretty sure Baby tried to say hello, but he’s at an incoherent stage as yet so it’s hard to tell. He got pretty excited when I asked him if he wanted to send his regards, so I took that as a yes. I’m sure when he’s old enough to know that he owes his existence to you, he’ll agree with me.

*

_To Professor Zimmer from the Grand Hotel:_

EVICTION NOTICE: If you are still here by sundown, we will call for the authorities or whoever is still willing to come up here to throw you out.

You know what it is you have done. Anna may never be the same again.

*

_Extract from Page 1 of DIE BAYERISCHE ZEITUNG:_

BOTANISTS  
FOR SALE: Very unusual SHRUB. Price to be negotiated. Grown with best quality bat guano – surprisingly fireproof. Please note: extremely carnivorous. Handle with GREAT CARE.

*

 _From The Grand Hotel to Professor Zimmer_ :

Formal notice of eviction being rescinded due to “authorities” being eaten by hell plant. B.

P.S. We would still like it if you could leave soon, thank you.

*

_From Dr. Van Helsing to Professor Zimmer:_

Dear Professor Zimmer,

I was most interested to receive your letter. I had lately heard rumours of a dangerous cult taking root in Bavaria and I am very glad to know that it has been so comprehensively dealt with. If you are willing to oblige, I would be grateful to hear a more detailed account of these vampires. As I am sure you will appreciate, the need to compile and compare all information we can on the creatures is essential if we are to defeat this terrible infection once and for all.

With regards to the hypothetical situation that you describe – that is to say, using the Dark Arts themselves against the Devil and his servants, I trust and pray that it _was_ merely hypothetical. I could never recommend such a course of action to anyone with any care for their soul or the well-being of those around them. I cannot stress this sufficiently – these are not affairs in which we might safely fight fire with fire.

If someone had inadvertently and unwisely summoned unholy creatures from Hell, I do not know what methods would be most effective in banishing them. I can only advise the usual treatment – fire, holy water, and the application of religious symbols. I am sure persistent attempts at exorcism using these means must eventually prevail. 

I await your further correspondence with anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

[Illegible squiggle] Van Helsing.

*

_Extract from Page 1 of DIE BAYERISCHE ZEITUNG:_

AVAILABLE TO A GOOD HOME: large colony of vampire bats. Extremely rare breed – of great interest to naturalists, biologists, zoologists & masters of the arcane arts. Free to anyone willing and able to collect. Please bring own transport, Bible and Holy Water. Apply to Z at Grand Hotel, somewhere deep in rural Bayern.

_Extract from Page 2 of DIE BAYERISCHE ZEITUNG:_

FIRE IN MOUNTAIN HOTEL. RELIGIOUS ITEMS DAMAGED.  
Last night, the 3rd inst., a blaze broke out in the Grand Hotel in one of our mountain hamlets. Local residents quickly brought the blaze under control and no serious damage was done to the hotel itself, although the stables were reduced to a shell. There were no casualties. The cause is believed to have been accidental, due to a drunken guest. 

Some concern was raised when several religious relics were found burned or melted at the scene. However, when questioned, the priest said that they had been lent to the landlord of the hotel for safekeeping while work was being carried out in the church. 

The Grand Hotel will soon re-open for business.

*

_From Klove, to Professor Zimmer, in answer to the above:_

Dear Sir,

I trust this note finds you Well.

I am writing about your notice in last year’s paper. (I live in a Very Backward place and the locals are Not Friendly so we do not get news quickly. Also I have lately been busy with many Repairs to my Master’s home.)

My Master is currently Absent recovering his Health after yet another cruel Setback to his Plans, but I know he would be very interested in acquiring your Bats. He is extremely fond of the little beasts and has an Uncanny way with them. I am sure they would be happier serving him than being sent somewhere else. They would have the run of a whole castle, which is mostly Empty and Dark with lots of mice and bugs and things for them to Feed on – just what they would like. They would not be disturbed as there is only me left on the Staff and hardly anyone else ever comes up here these days. 

If they are no longer available to interested parties, please let me know. Otherwise I will come to collect them on Tuesday week, the 13th inst. of this month if that is convenient. I might come anyway, because the Post rarely makes it up here saving once or twice a year. You cannot get the right sort of Peasants any more, that is the problem.

I look forward to our exchange and hope it will all go Smoothly.

Yours faithfully,

Klove (Mr.) 

On behalf of Count Dracula, The Castle, Klausenberg.

**Author's Note:**

> So... okay. Time isn't a straight line, it's more like a wibbly-wobbly time-wimey thing, especially in the case of Hammer's Count Dracula. I mean, does Time exist in Hell and Transylvania, anyway?


End file.
